So I did, one of the things I have been dreading to do. After a particularly frustrating day at my pain specialists appt I googled chronic pancreatitis and treatment. Of course it was after Mike went to sleep. I have always hated my googling experience when looking up pancreatitis - like any other health issue what typically is pulled up is the worst. At this point in my life I just didn't want to read anything that would cause me to worry any more than I already am. Although my google search did pull up its usual dismal facts of this disease I will admit there were a few things that well, not sure how to categorize it but I felt a little more educated - but still LOST. After two hours of reading and reading, thinking, and reading more, at almost two I climbed into bed. Then I laid there trying to figure how to put all my reading to sleep and me along with it. There in the darkness of my messy room, and somewhere between Mike's snoring the tears came. And they wouldn't stop.
So I climbed over the hump in our mattress and nuzzled into Mike. (We are not one of those couples who cuddle all night long, I am on my side and he on his - thus the creation of the hump.) He woke up thanks to my crying - and he wrapped his arms around me and then I really LOST IT. So there we were at 2 am me pouring out my heart - expressing how tired I am, how sad I am that this is where we are at. How sad I am for him, and the girls - that they deserve more - I am not stating this in a woe is me and trying to get compliments. That I just want to worry about helping Brielle deciding what to put in her Pioneer Wagon assignment, helping Micaela finding some church clothes that fit her, feeling well enough to have Zoe's friends over, finding the statements I need to finish taxes, being supportive to Mike at work, finishing laundry, and what will I make for dinner.........
Simply I want to just worry about those things - not those things AND what is happening with my pancreas, managing the pain, doctor appointments, labs, and what is next. I know that things could be so much worse, and there are so many who suffer and struggle with so much worse. I am not meaning to sound ungrateful. But for now I think I just might need to loose it for a little while.
Yes, there in the darkness in all my LOST - Ness - sleep did find me, and yes we cuddled.
